Challenge 005: Book Review
Feb. 28th, 2013 02:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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theoaktreetitle The Amorous Adventures of Sarah: Running Into Trouble
author Emy Naso
review I have no idea what the author intended, but this book is so bad that it’s actually funny. You know how you hear people say that they’ve read published fiction that is worse than fanfiction. Well, here you go.
WARNINGS book and review are R-rated(-ish), also I'm not very nice --- I gave it 1 out 5 stars only because I found it so bad it amused me.
Short version:
The sheer volume of epithets was amazing. Never have I seen so many in one place. And the sex scenes were hilariously unsexy.
tl;dr version:
The gorgeous, smart and witty Mary Sue grows tired of her banal existence and decides to hit the road with the clothes on her back and a great set of heels. She meets a handsome stranger who buys her a drink and convinces her to pose for some photographs.... he’s a photographer.
Because that sounds like a splendid idea. Only, he’s gay and they decide to go clubbing instead. After trying unsuccessfully to pick up Mutt and Jeff, our daringly dynamic duo (literally referred to as ‘the duo’ at a couple points in the book) goes to breakfast and is approached by the Russian mafia.
It’s okay though, because one of the Russian guys is kinda hot. Forget foreplay, just insert a random sex scene.
Now where was I? Oh yes, Russian mafia. So gay BFF says “Hey, we should be Private Investigators - you and me - two people who met just yesterday but are already living together in my studio.”
After a spanking session, she agrees. “Sure, let’s solve the mystery of the two old people that died.”
When did they die? Somewhere between the chase scene and the sex scene. But.. *handwaves*.... moving on. The bad guy wants to teach Mary Sue a woman’s place, rips her clothes off and manhandles her in a decidedly threatening manner. Russian sex god saves the day, showing up in the nick of time to save Mary Sue and her gay BFF. He’s totally innocent though and has nothing to do with the counterfeit money scheme.
This is where everyone proclaims their undying love.
Somehow the love interest gets shot while they’re escaping. Did you know the perfect way to comfort a gunshot victim is to have sex? That’s right, leave the car out front of the hotel where it can easily be spotted and go indulge yourself.
“...working her way down inside those tight blue shorts. She didn’t have to burrow far to feel the slightly moist, bulbous head of his erection. Sarah let her fingers tiptoe over the hot brute, delighting in its primitive response to the slightest touch. How easily men became aroused and had a single objective, spearheaded by this missile of sexual fulfillment, she thought.”
Other delightful and vomit-inducing phrases from this book:
“the animal power of his cock as it found the freedom to test the air for the aroma of its prey”
“her hand articulating his foreskin in the sensitivity of her art, she rose above his upright wand and sat firmly down on it, letting the eager erotic brute find its prey”
“Outside, families took their pleasure in a sunny day. Inside, Sarah and Yuri took their gratification in a stiff cock and a wildly grasping pussy.”
Somehow, our heroes wound up losing their Russian to the sea. I’m still not sure why they jumped in, but whatever. Now it’s time for a sly conversation with a cop, the one who is fat. We know he’s fat because a) the author needed someone ‘real’ in the story and b) Mary Sue taunted him during their earlier meeting because “I know how men are” or some such nonsense.
Off to find Mutt and Jeff then, because we really need a reason to bring them up again. Hunting them down, Mary Sue is once again objectified and about to be raped. The bad guy growls “This little bombshell is mine. I’ve been banged up here for days without a bit of soft flesh.” Because that’s how it always happens in the movies.
A fight breaks out for a few paragraphs, then one of the men has to ask Mary Sue “Do you like sex?” Which is important to know when you want to know you’re in the mafia.
So, Mary Sue and gay BFF pretend to be pregnant and escape.
…
I didn’t get it either.
... Anyway, so the duo regroups and plans another line of attack. They confront the London mob boss (frankly the London mob, the Trenton mob and the Russians are all a bit confusing) who says something to Mary Sue like “pleasure me or I’ll let my boys have you for the night”. Insert some talk of printing plates and pull the fire alarm and HUZZAH! Our heroes win!
So Mary Sue and gay BFF, who’ve adopted a dog named Titan, get naked and climb into bed. She compliments his cock and falls asleep.
“Women were not a big attraction for Billy, but he had to stand and admire the perfection of her shape. The way it had been constructed was worthy of an artistic praise. When her gorgeous ass was half-covered by the lapping waves, she stopped, turned and called, …”
This is book one in a planned series. Now I have to ask you, does it sound like the beginning of a beautiful relationship or what?
author Emy Naso
review I have no idea what the author intended, but this book is so bad that it’s actually funny. You know how you hear people say that they’ve read published fiction that is worse than fanfiction. Well, here you go.
WARNINGS book and review are R-rated(-ish), also I'm not very nice --- I gave it 1 out 5 stars only because I found it so bad it amused me.
Short version:
The sheer volume of epithets was amazing. Never have I seen so many in one place. And the sex scenes were hilariously unsexy.
tl;dr version:
The gorgeous, smart and witty Mary Sue grows tired of her banal existence and decides to hit the road with the clothes on her back and a great set of heels. She meets a handsome stranger who buys her a drink and convinces her to pose for some photographs.... he’s a photographer.
Because that sounds like a splendid idea. Only, he’s gay and they decide to go clubbing instead. After trying unsuccessfully to pick up Mutt and Jeff, our daringly dynamic duo (literally referred to as ‘the duo’ at a couple points in the book) goes to breakfast and is approached by the Russian mafia.
It’s okay though, because one of the Russian guys is kinda hot. Forget foreplay, just insert a random sex scene.
Now where was I? Oh yes, Russian mafia. So gay BFF says “Hey, we should be Private Investigators - you and me - two people who met just yesterday but are already living together in my studio.”
After a spanking session, she agrees. “Sure, let’s solve the mystery of the two old people that died.”
When did they die? Somewhere between the chase scene and the sex scene. But.. *handwaves*.... moving on. The bad guy wants to teach Mary Sue a woman’s place, rips her clothes off and manhandles her in a decidedly threatening manner. Russian sex god saves the day, showing up in the nick of time to save Mary Sue and her gay BFF. He’s totally innocent though and has nothing to do with the counterfeit money scheme.
This is where everyone proclaims their undying love.
Somehow the love interest gets shot while they’re escaping. Did you know the perfect way to comfort a gunshot victim is to have sex? That’s right, leave the car out front of the hotel where it can easily be spotted and go indulge yourself.
“...working her way down inside those tight blue shorts. She didn’t have to burrow far to feel the slightly moist, bulbous head of his erection. Sarah let her fingers tiptoe over the hot brute, delighting in its primitive response to the slightest touch. How easily men became aroused and had a single objective, spearheaded by this missile of sexual fulfillment, she thought.”
Other delightful and vomit-inducing phrases from this book:
“the animal power of his cock as it found the freedom to test the air for the aroma of its prey”
“her hand articulating his foreskin in the sensitivity of her art, she rose above his upright wand and sat firmly down on it, letting the eager erotic brute find its prey”
“Outside, families took their pleasure in a sunny day. Inside, Sarah and Yuri took their gratification in a stiff cock and a wildly grasping pussy.”
Somehow, our heroes wound up losing their Russian to the sea. I’m still not sure why they jumped in, but whatever. Now it’s time for a sly conversation with a cop, the one who is fat. We know he’s fat because a) the author needed someone ‘real’ in the story and b) Mary Sue taunted him during their earlier meeting because “I know how men are” or some such nonsense.
Off to find Mutt and Jeff then, because we really need a reason to bring them up again. Hunting them down, Mary Sue is once again objectified and about to be raped. The bad guy growls “This little bombshell is mine. I’ve been banged up here for days without a bit of soft flesh.” Because that’s how it always happens in the movies.
A fight breaks out for a few paragraphs, then one of the men has to ask Mary Sue “Do you like sex?” Which is important to know when you want to know you’re in the mafia.
So, Mary Sue and gay BFF pretend to be pregnant and escape.
…
I didn’t get it either.
... Anyway, so the duo regroups and plans another line of attack. They confront the London mob boss (frankly the London mob, the Trenton mob and the Russians are all a bit confusing) who says something to Mary Sue like “pleasure me or I’ll let my boys have you for the night”. Insert some talk of printing plates and pull the fire alarm and HUZZAH! Our heroes win!
So Mary Sue and gay BFF, who’ve adopted a dog named Titan, get naked and climb into bed. She compliments his cock and falls asleep.
“Women were not a big attraction for Billy, but he had to stand and admire the perfection of her shape. The way it had been constructed was worthy of an artistic praise. When her gorgeous ass was half-covered by the lapping waves, she stopped, turned and called, …”
This is book one in a planned series. Now I have to ask you, does it sound like the beginning of a beautiful relationship or what?
no subject
Date: 2013-02-28 09:58 pm (UTC)*Makes a note never to read this book*
Also, the guy pretends to be pregnant? Did I miss something in there?
no subject
Date: 2013-02-28 10:26 pm (UTC)Also, the guy pretends to be pregnant?
haha -- I don't know. Maybe? ;)
No, actually he claimed she was pregnant in an effort to get some stranger to give them a ride. I think. IT WAS CONFUSING and I was kind of skimming by that point.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-28 10:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-01 02:20 am (UTC)this is hilarioussssss
no subject
Date: 2013-03-01 02:32 am (UTC)